Why “Grateful” Can Feel Like Bullshit When Dealing with Infertility and Reproductive Grief
You know that feeling when everyone around you is posting gratitude lists or reminding you to “just be grateful,” but inside you feel… nothing? Or worse—frustrated, sad, angry?
I’ve been having so many conversations lately with women who tell me they know they should feel grateful… but they just don’t. And every time, I remind them: that doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human.
For anyone navigating infertility, pregnancy loss, or reproductive grief, the word grateful can start to feel like a weapon instead of comfort.
The Pressure to Be Grateful
Gratitude gets thrown around like a cure-all. There’s nothing wrong with being thankful, of course—but it becomes harmful when it’s used to silence real pain.
Maybe it’s a friend saying, “At least you already have one child.”
Maybe it’s a post about “choosing joy.”
Maybe it’s your own inner voice whispering that you should feel lucky because other parts of your life are okay.
That pressure doesn’t heal; it invalidates. It tells you that your heartbreak is inconvenient, that your grief has overstayed its welcome. But grief doesn’t work on a timeline—and it certainly doesn’t take orders from a gratitude list.
When Gratitude Feels Impossible (and What You Can Try Instead)
Grief is messy. Loss is messy. Waiting for something you want deeply, only to have your body or circumstances betray you, is messy. And in the middle of that, gratitude can feel impossible.
Rejecting forced gratitude doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for your friends, your partner, or your life. It means you’re being honest about where you are. And honesty is a far healthier place to stand than pretending to feel something you don’t.
If “grateful” feels like bullshit, try gentler language:
Notice survival, not sunshine. “I survived today.” That’s enough.
Honor tiny reliefs. “The sun hit my face this morning, and it felt nice.” Small, but real.
Name your feelings. Frustration, sadness, anger—whatever’s there. Let it breathe.
You don’t have to feel grateful to be healing.
Gentle Ways to Cope with Infertility and Reproductive Grief
Here are a few simple ways to make space for what’s real instead of forcing what’s “positive”:
Journal honestly. Ask: What felt real today? or What was hard, and how did I get through it?
Practice self-compassion. You’re allowed to be tender with yourself.
Give yourself permission. To cry, to rest, to rage, to not “see the bright side.”
Seek small grounding moments. A deep breath, a favorite song, a quiet walk.
There’s no prize for pretending to be okay. There’s only the quiet relief that comes from telling yourself the truth.
Finding Support for Infertility and Reproductive Grief
You deserve care that understands the complexity of this kind of grief. Therapy for infertility and loss isn’t about fixing your feelings—it’s about giving them space.
If you’re tired of pretending you’re fine, you don’t have to do this alone.
Schedule a free intro call or learn more about therapy for reproductive grief.
You Don’t Owe the World Gratitude
Being told to be grateful can feel like a demand to deny your own reality. That’s exhausting.
You don’t owe the world your gratitude. You owe yourself gentleness.
If you’re struggling with infertility, reproductive grief, or the pressure to “just be grateful,” I see you. I hold space for the messy, painful, raw, and real.
Schedule your free intro call today—you don’t have to do it alone.
About Christen
Christen Reed, LMFT, is a reproductive mental health therapist based in Charleston, SC. She helps women navigating infertility, pregnancy loss, and reproductive grief find gentle, honest ways to heal. When she’s not in session, you can find her playing mahjong or at the dog park with her doodle, Charlotte Cambridge — oat milk latte in hand.