Infertility Is Not a Spiritual Performance Review

She bows her head to pray again.

Not because she wants to.
But because she’s starting to wonder if maybe she didn’t do it right the first time.

Maybe she wasn’t surrendered enough.
Maybe there’s hidden sin.
Maybe her anxiety is blocking implantation.
Maybe God is waiting for her to trust Him more.

The pregnancy test is still negative.

But now the grief feels heavier — because it isn’t just about her body.

It feels spiritual.

If you were raised in evangelical Christianity, that spiral might sound familiar.

You were likely taught:

God opens and closes the womb.
Children are a blessing from the Lord.
Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.

So when pregnancy doesn’t happen…month after month, cycle after cycle…the math quietly turns inward.

If God controls fertility, and I’m not pregnant…
what does that say about me?

This is where something subtle, and deeply painful, can begin to take root.

Infertility and Faith: When Belief Becomes Burden

In many evangelical spaces, faith is framed as active and outcome-producing.

You pray.
You trust.
You surrender.
God moves.

But infertility does not cooperate with that framework.

It doesn’t resolve when anxiety decreases.
It doesn’t respond predictably to prayer.
It doesn’t disappear because you finally “let go.”

So instead of questioning the framework, many women question themselves.

Am I doubting too much?
Is God withholding because I’m not obedient enough?
If I were truly faithful, wouldn’t this have happened by now?

Over time, faith can begin to feel less like comfort and more like surveillance.

Every thought examined.
Every emotion monitored.
Every disappointment treated as a potential spiritual flaw.

That’s not encouragement.

That’s pressure.

What I Mean by Spiritual Gaslighting

Spiritual gaslighting happens when a real, painful experience is reframed as a spiritual failure.

Infertility, a medical condition with biological, hormonal, genetic, and structural causes , becomes interpreted as:

• a lack of faith
• an unwillingness to surrender
• hidden sin
• not trusting God enough
• blocking your own miracle

The problem subtly shifts from biology to belief.

And when pregnancy doesn’t happen, the shame compounds.

You’re not just grieving.
You’re also wondering if you caused it.

In evangelical culture, testimony language around “miracle babies” and “God showed up right when we surrendered” is common and meaningful for many families.

But for the woman still waiting, those stories can quietly reinforce a devastating conclusion:

If it worked for her when she trusted more…
what’s wrong with me?

Infertility Is Medical. Grief Is Human.

Infertility is not evidence of weak faith.

Stress does not block conception in the simplistic way it’s often presented.

Anxiety does not “close the womb.”

Anger at God is not rebellion — it is attachment distress. It’s what happens when something you love feels absent in your pain.

And infertility is not just medical.

It is grief.

The Grief of Infertility Is Real

Infertility is a form of chronic, ambiguous loss.

There is no funeral.
No casserole train.
No socially recognized script for how to grieve it.

But the losses are real.

The loss of the imagined timeline.
The loss of ease in your body.
The loss of certainty.
The loss of pregnancy announcements you thought would be yours.
The loss of the version of yourself who once assumed this would be simple.

Every negative test is a micro-loss.
Every cycle restart is another rupture.
Every pregnancy announcement can feel like salt in an already open wound.

And when that grief is spiritualized…reframed as a lesson, a test, or refinement …something important gets bypassed.

Grief needs witnessing.

It does not need spiritual correction.

Understanding infertility as grief, not spiritual deficiency, is often the first step toward healing.

You Can Keep Your Faith & Reject the Shame

Naming harm in certain church teachings does not require abandoning your faith.

You are allowed to say:

This belief helped me.
That one harmed me.

You are allowed to wrestle.
You are allowed to question.
You are allowed to be angry.

And you are allowed to stop treating your infertility like a spiritual report card.

God is not grading your surrender.

Your body is not withholding pregnancy because you didn’t perform belief correctly.

Infertility is heavy enough.

You do not have to carry theological self-surveillance on top of it.

If You’re Untangling Faith and Fertility

If you’ve been carrying both infertility and spiritual self-blame, you are not alone.

You are grieving.

And grief deserves care. Not correction.

If you’re new to the language of reproductive grief, you can read more about what reproductive grief means and how it relates to infertility.Understanding the type of loss you’re navigating is often the first step toward healing.

If you’re ready to untangle infertility from shame, especially shame rooted in evangelical faith messaging, therapy can be a place where both belief and doubt are welcome.

I specialize in supporting women navigating infertility and pregnancy loss in Charleston, South Carolina and virtually throughout South Carolina. If you’re looking for infertility and reproductive grief therapy, you can learn more about working with me.

You deserve support that does not ask you to perform.

Infertility is not a spiritual performance review.